They say sometimes you just need to let go in order to grow.... well, we made a trip back to where we moved from this past weekend and let me tell you.... I've definitely let go... I always see people I grew up with posting on FB or wherever that they are all excited to be going "home" and when we moved we had people tell us 1million and 1 reasons why they thought we would/should come running right back... I'm the polar opposite of all of those people. I wanted to leave and never look back, years before we actually left I felt like that and this trip really solidified that feeling.
It will always be the place I grew up, the place I had my children but it will never be my "home" and hasn't been for a very long time. Sometimes life throws curve balls at you and in such a small area they are not just your personal curse but a public one too.... with our life with Madilyn the Yoop is the life that went on without us while we were stuck inside because of shit weather or we were traveling for medical appointments. It's the place where at one point I thought I had all the friends in the world but when you live a life like ours the invites eventually just stop coming. People get tired of always being turned down because of Madilyn's needs, or they truly don't understand the stuff that we deal with. For that matter, they probably just get plain sick of hearing about it.... the novelty has worn off but for us it's life. I don't blame them, I still love them and miss them, well, most of them..hahaha!
I realized the closer we got to Houghton on Friday afternoon the more nauseous I actually felt. I've never really had that feeling other than the last 2 years we lived there when I would come home from medical trips and I didn't want to be there. I truly did not expect to feel that way. As the weekend went on I really just wanted to leave. We got to see some family and friends and even some of Madilyn's therapists came to visit and that was wonderful and at the same time incredibly sad.
Sadness for all the friends we've lost and the people we thought we'd get to see. It's not possible for us to come up there and go running all over to visit everyone or to see the people we wanted to see so it's a case of let them know where we are and hope they show up. I realize full well that everyone has a life and it doesn't cater to us and our needs and I'm not posting this to point fingers or to make others feel bad. I'm posting this because on this journey to find me and where I belong in life this has been a painful step. Letting go is not easy but it is necessary. I was so engulfed in depression that last several years in the Yoop that I wasn't sure I'd be able to crawl out of it but I have here and the second we got there it was back. We weren't even there yet and it was cold, raining and the trees are just beginning to bud and then we pull into town and the very first person we see that we know is the child molester... in hindsight we should've turned around and left then.
Sometimes it's easier to start fresh... in a place where Madilyn is already our life as people meet us. Friends don't have any other expectations because it's the way we've always been to them... I've had this post in my head for days and I only blog when "it comes to me" but I hesitated.... weighed pros and cons of even sharing my feelings because someone will take it personally... blah, blah, blah...it's not personal, it's simply my feelings and I'm allowed to have my feelings.
This journey isn't always a fun one... I haven't always been a nice person and I have made some bad decisions in life and because of that I had some demons to deal with but I acknowledge them, I accept them and I am moving on.
Part of my journey to find health and peace is letting go of the emotional baggage from there. It just weighs on my soul and doesn't do anyone any good so I'm choosing to let go...
I just keep thinking of the saying : "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
It is what it is and I have to let go of the things I cannot change.....
