Imagine this... you are walking outside and see a woman in her car in a parking lot frantically tying her hair back while stripping off her sweatshirt and continually reaching to the floor for something.... she's sitting there in her bra in broad daylight with not a single care who's around while awkwardly pulling a shirt over her head while constantly turning around talking to the child that you can't see. The reaching down is her frantically trying to get her shoes and socks off... she's crying, she's suffocating, she's overheating, she feels like her heart is going to pound out of her chest... she's doing all of this while trying to just breathe and calm the child in the backseat.... I'm sure you were laughing in the beginning of reading this... I'm pretty positive at one point in my life I probably would've shook my head and thought "nut job" or "WTF" if I had witnessed this. Now I think I would walk over and offer help.
The woman is me... before naptime on a Monday... after what was supposed to be a quick and easy appointment... in the handicap parking lot in front of the Children's Hospital clinics building... this is what CTSD looks like... it looks like me talking to my sister on the phone later that evening and intermittently crying uncontrollably because I'm lost in the trauma of the morning and can't control it. If you were in my head it's a million and one thoughts about what else could've gone wrong... what will the repercussions be with M... what will the repercussions be for me.... did it undo all of the progress I've made in therapy and with practicing mindfulness? Will I go back to bursting into tears randomly 30 fucking times per day? It's the "I should have.... I could have... this could have... this should have..." over and over and over.
It's the shocking realization half way home on the Interstate that I should have done Madilyn's emergency injection for her adrenal insufficiency.. it's the tug of war between do I turn around and go back to the ER, do I stop and do her injection, do I just continue driving like a nut and hope when I get home it won't be too late for her stress dose of steroids? It's berating myself for all of the chaos in an unexpected urgent situation that we were not prepared for. It's what panic and anxiety look like for me because of all of the medical trauma we have been through.
It's me on the phone to our medical team as soon as I have Madilyn situated at home and have regained some composure. It's me calling patient relations to ensure this doesn't happen to someone else. It's me meeting virtually with Madilyn's Endocrine doctor to discuss what happened and what should've been done differently. What will be done differently next time.... because there's always a next time.
It's going to run some simple errands on Tuesday while respite is with Madilyn and realizing as I'm going through the store that it was not my greatest idea... all the masks everywhere make me hyperventilate.. it's literally 2 trips to the bathroom while in the store so I can just focus on breathing in order to make it through the store. It's literally wanting to slap the person who dares to say anything to me about not wearing a mask. It's gratitude for the man in the store that started a conversation with me. I could focus on his smile and just breath for a minute. It's gratitude that I could see an actual face in a sea of masks.
My wish for this world is kindness... you don't know what someone else is going through... you don't know what they live with... you know the old saying "you can't judge a book by it's cover"... it's so very true........ so you do you........and do it with some pink fucking shoes
