My ah-ha moment....

So I'm 50 lbs into this weight-loss, trying to find me journey.  It started with wanting to lose 20, then it was wanting to fit into those fucking jeans... then it was 35... then it was 50...then it was 60... I've finally found my rhythm and hit almost all of those numbers, wore the jeans.... can workout until hell won't have it and then a few weeks ago I thought, ugh, I'm stuck.

I've actually given this very little thought, which is super rare when it comes to weight loss thoughts in my life.  I've spent most of my adult life (and teens) always thinking I needed to lose weight, get rid of my cellulite, fade my scars, change my hair... you get the point.  I never looked at what I liked... only what I wanted to change.  I'm sure we are all guilty of that.

I was getting dressed today to go to an appointment with Madilyn and I realized something... I am comfortable in my own skin!  For someone like me that's huge!  I can't remember the last time I put on an outfit and had to change cause I thought I looked fat, or it was too tight, or it was uncomfortable.  I like the way I look, cellulite, scars, wrinkles and all....  all those flaws tell my story.  They hold my memories... they are me... and for the first time ever I realized that I finally am perfectly comfortable with me... I actually love me..... I'm not a size 2 and I don't ever plan to be... that's okay..  I'm healthy, I'm strong, I'm flawed and I'm happy!

Let's talk excuses.....

I'm too tired...
The kids always need something...
It's too expensive...
I'll get to it later...
But I can't live without that...
It's too hot...
It's too cold...
I have too much other stuff going on....
Maybe when the kids are bigger....
It's too hard....

This list could keep going and going and going... never ending reasons why you'll start tomorrow only to realize that tomorrow truly never comes.  It's like you blink your eyes and it's next year and you still haven't started.

I was the absolute Queen of putting everyone else first (also an excuse), or at least I had convinced myself that's what I was doing.  I was pro at breaking promises to myself, then I started reading Rachel Hollis "Girl Wash Your Face" and I haven't broken a promise to myself since.  I am worth it, I do deserve it and why in the hell would anyone expect me to keep a promise that I made to them if I can't even keep one that I made to myself!

Truth is that it was super hard at first.  Madilyn didn't adjust well to me putting the gate up and working out but what started as difficult has turned out amazing with some consistency.  I get the gate out and she starts grunting and giggling. (I am very vocal when I workout...hahaha).  It's awesome and I'm in such a better place mentally and physically after I do it.  My promise to myself was to get healthy and be comfortable in my own skin.  That led to the promise of working out at least 3 times a week and making better food choices.  That led to the promise of giving 2B Mindset an honest try and well, here we are.  I'm a BeachBody coach now and I'm getting certified as a 2B Mindset Nutrition Mentor and I absolutely love my life and myself.  I just had to learn how to give to myself before giving to others.

I know there is someone (who are we kidding.. there's probably several) rolling their eyes and talking shit going "oh good lord she's at it again" and you know what?  I am.  I'm going to be 47 next month and I finally found something I am super passionate about.  It's real, it's not a quick fix, it's not a magic pill... it's a ton of hard work and dedication.  The nutrition program isn't a diet.  It's not keto, low carb, no sugar...nothing.  It's simple, real and common sense.  It makes you really reevaluate your relationship with the foods you eat and the reasons you eat them.  I always used to eat nachos and popcorn.  I used to joke that once the bag of chips was open I might as well just eat them all because it'll be all I think about until it's gone.  It was an excuse... I did eat them all, every single time, they didn't make me feel better.. they just made me fat.  Things have changed though... I have tortilla chips in my house right now, I have for over a week..... and they're still there.  They have no control over me, do I enjoy them? Yes, but they don't control me.  I can literally eat 2 and walk away and the world doesn't come to an end.  I have those chips and some amazing cheese in my house at the same time and guess what?  I don't have to eat nachos.  My beloved popcorn.  Thought I would die if I had to give up popcorn.  Turns out the stomach problems I was having were from popcorn.. guess what?  I dumped the shit in the garbage and haven't looked back... I have so many of you that I just want to say "hey, you need to do this!" not because I think you're fat either.. it's because I love you and I want you to be healthy and I want your children to be healthy and I don't want you to go through what I have.... but I won't.  I will keep posting, I will keep sharing, I will keep educating and I will most definitely keep being annoying and when you are ready... I will be here... every single step of the way.

When you are ready you will leave all of the excuses behind... and it all starts with one promise.. to yourself 💕

I FOUND IT!!!

Guys I'm still here and still going and guess what?  I found the fucking belly button ring and it saw sunshine!!!

I almost didn't post this picture.  My hubby took it a few weeks ago at the beach.  I am 70% of the way there.... I am a work in progress.... I am happy... and you can see that on my face now.

I struggled for several months over the winter.  My original coach left Beachbody and I kind of floundered.  I took it very personally and should not have.  I back slid and gained 10 of the 17 pounds I had lost back.  I was back on low dose antidepressants and stomach meds for a possible ulcer.  I was having horrendous stomach pains and it was making me incredibly nauseous... like almost make me go to the ER kind of stomach pains.  So I did the meds and wallowed in my oh poor me phase for about 2 months...ish... then I finally accepted the invite from a new coach.  She had been reaching out to me for about 3 months or so letting me know very nicely that she had my spot saved when I was ready.  Well when I realized that I weighed 196 lbs again and I felt like hell again I knew I had nothing to lose so I did it.  BEST DECISION EVER!!!

By early May I was feeling a lot better and working out consistently but had only lost 8 pounds when Beachbody came out with their first nutrition only program.  I totally jumped on it because nutrition is my biggest issue... it's everyone's biggest issue... it's 80% of the fucking game!  I once had a personal trainer tell me that "you can't out exercise a bad diet" (Thank you Jeff Hauswirth!)... truest words ever! and trust me, I've tried every fucking way under the sun and nothing worked.  I've done low carb, no carb, high fat, low fat, no sugar... and guess what?  I started eating like a real person again or felt so damn deprived that I binge ate all the stuff I "shouldn't have" and all the weight came back, every single time.  Not this time though.  I'm learning to change my relationship with food.  It's fuel, not comfort.  Your body needs carbs but there's a difference between good and bad carbs...I could go on and on and on about that but I'm not going to .... yet.

In one of my other posts I talked about my love/hate relationship with the scale and this program has taught me how to use it as a tool.  It doesn't dictate my mood anymore, it doesn't dictate how I feel about myself.  It simply tells me a number and that number tells me if the things I have been eating work for me or if they don't.  This program also taught me that I'm 99% positive that I did not have an ulcer this past winter like the doctor thought.  It was the massive bowl of buttered popcorn I was eating 4 or 5 nights a week that my stomach didn't like.  I loved it... it was my go to... my comfort... my "always there for me with zero judgement"... I LOVED IT... turns out my stomach doesn't and I'm perfectly fine living without it.  No tears, no whining, just a cold, harsh, I'm done with you as I threw that last of the jug of kernels in the trash.  I ditched the antidepressants as soon as I started working out again and the stomach meds when I ditched the popcorn.  I've also lost another 20 lbs. I broke my plateau I've been struggling with for weeks today and saw the 160's for the first time in 5 years!  I'm down 36 lbs.... fuck those doctors who said it would be impossible for me to lose it!

I can wear the jeans and the shirt that hung on my closet door for 15 months motivating me and I've bypassed my first goal and am on to another now.  I don't want to be skinny.. I want to be healthy, strong and happy and changing my relationship with food was the biggest factor.  

I publicly share my journey because it motivates me... it keeps me accountable.  I also hope that if it makes one struggling person feel not so alone than I am successful. I always joke that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up but I think I finally figured it out.  My coach told me months ago that I should coach and I was like "oh hell no! I'm not doing that!"  hahahahaha....  I guess I figured at that point what if I changed my mind?  I don't want to be that coach that leaves... I don't want someone else to feel like I did (I should clarify that my feelings were totally self-inflicted. My first coach needed to do what was best for her and I support that 100%.  I was just being a little self-absorbed for a while) and then I realized about a month ago... I'm not going to leave, I'm living this.  The changes I am making are life style changes not quick fixes.  It's my life now so guess what?  Now I'm a coach!! I want to give others all of those things I so desperately needed/need.  I want to be your cheerleader while totally being held accountable.  I can't even begin to explain how different my life is now.  I'm not tired from eating mass volumes of shit food... I'm not deprived (I just ate a donut before coming hide upstairs to blog).  I belong to a tribe of women and men that are all on the same journey and it's fucking amazing!!  

So here's the thing.. I want to take everything I've learned from my tribe and build my own village... my coach will help me and we will help you.  It'll be small to start with obviously but we will grow... (and shrink!) together.

The before pictures are from February 3, 2017... the others are July 16, 2018.  I'm 70% there but my journey will never end.... it's my life.  I'm going to be sharing a lot more and maybe some people won't like it but that's okay... as long as I inspire at least one person so they don't feel so alone.. I'm perfectly fine with that.  And maybe next time I'll have a pic of me in those fucking jeans to share!