That f*&king hill....

I was listening to a Rachel Hollis podcast the other day and she said something that really resonated with me... how you approach the hill is how you approach life.  Think about that.. when you get to the hill what do you do?  When you get to a tough choice what do you do? 

When I lived on Saw St there was a GIANT hill right outside my door if I went left... if I went right it was all level ground... If I was walking downtown it was all level but if I wanted to go the short route home there was a GIANT hill but I almost always chose to go way out of my way to avoid it and to take the easy but much longer way home.  I never really thought about it until now, I just didn't want to deal with the hill.  I actually did everything I could to avoid it.  Same was true with every other aspect of my life at that time.  I went out of my way to avoid confrontation and change.  I was also stuck in a very negative thought pattern.  It was the "oh poor me" phase of life.  The "why does this shit keep happening to me" phase of life.  I let other peoples opinions and ideas guide what I based my decisions on.  Oh my goodness, what will other people think if I do this or that?  Many things fed into that negative attitude.. I lived in a super small, gossipy little town where everyone was an expert on everyone else's life.  It drove me crazy...... but at that time rather than take steps to change it, I just avoided the hill... one detour after another.  Avoidance, avoidance, avoidance.... and that led to nothing but repeated cycles of negativity.

When we moved from that town to another one about 10 miles away I was a little braver about the hill... but I still didn't want to be there...life with Madilyn in the tiny yoop was such a struggle.  I felt like I was drowning, secluded and alone.  I had wanted to leave there my entire adult life and just let one thing after another dictate how long we stayed.  Yes, it's beautiful there... yes, our community was awesome and supportive with all the Madilyn stuff when she was born and when we got custody.  There was also a lot of negativity, opinions, advice and misunderstanding that just hurt and left me struggling and alone.

My husband came home one day and expressed some displeasure with his job and I pounced... let's sell the house and move to Wisconsin.. closer to Children's Hospital for Madilyn's doctors... don't overthink it.. don't analyze it.. just fly by the seat of our pants regardless of what other's thought and go.  Flee, run while you can, and don't ever look back was all I could think at that time.  I was drowning in depression, getting fatter by the minute because I ate every emotion I had rather than attempt to deal with it.  Medicated and miserable I knew we had to get out.... to make a better life for ourselves, for our children still at home, to save our marriage and our sanity.  It was the first time in I can't remember how long that I looked at that giant hill and decided I was going to conquer it and not go around anymore. 

It was not easy... true change never is... the first 4ish months in Wisconsin were brutal BUT it was the first time in years that I was able to find a positive in every single day.  I quit the meds and decided to finally deal with the feelings no matter how hard it was and I started the journey of taking care of myself first.  It's amazing when you do that how many people in your circle are not supportive of that. It bothered me for quite a while and now I realize and acknowledge that the ones who aren't supportive don't belong in your circle to start with.  People project their own insecurities on you when you are growing and they are not.  It truly has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and being able to acknowledge and accept that at face value is very freeing.   Your circle should be cheering the loudest for you, if they aren't, you need a new circle.

Here's a question for you... if something/someone isn't filling your cup or making you feel fulfilled in some way why do you keep doing it? keep seeing them?  Habit? Obligation?  Here's another thought... what you allow will continue.  Only you can change it....nobody gets to dictate that for you... your life, your choice... facing that hill head on is not easy at all but it's so worth it..

Practice gratitude
Be positive
Move you body even when you don't want to
Eat the salad
and most importantly.... CLIMB THE FUCKING HILL!!

and there it is....

I finally did it... I accepted the fact that I am incapable of keeping my blogs separate.  I have accepted the fact that life with Madilyn and my journey to find me are so intertwined that I cannot (and will not) separate them any longer.  I love blogging, it's total therapy for my soul.. trying to keep two key parts of my life separate doesn't work with this... it leaves me silent and drives me nuts.. so here goes..

To those that followed www.mylifewithmadilyn.blogspot.com... I tell it like it is here, I hope you stick around.  It'll be worth it.  So here goes...

Today started out the Mondayest (I know that's not really a word but it should be) of Monday's... Monday's suck ass when there's only a few hours of sleep at a time and then the Sasshole (a.k.a...Peanugga) wakes up like someone lit her ass on fire and she's pissed.  She may be tiny but damn she's a bossy little dictator more often than not!  Put that attitude with my "I'm not a morning person" attitude and it can be toxic... like trying to mix oil and water... doesn't happen...and it's usually quite loud.  Two outfit changes, one broken lamp shade (all her) and lots of yelling on both our parts to be out the door by 9 am for physical therapy and I went without even brushing my hair.... it was one of those days that I was lucky I put sweats on and didn't go in my pj's...  after we got home and my teenager said she heard the whole thing I realized I used to think.. I really need to work on my patience, I'm a horrible person sometimes, what is wrong with me?  Today my only thought was "Why didn't you intervene for twenty seconds?"

I NEVER used to ask for help.  I do now... I've learned that I don't have to do it by myself when I have a bunch of people willing to help... I don't hesitate now to yell "I NEED AN INTERVENTION" (I actually yell it so loud sometimes that I'm waiting for the day a neighbor responds to help) and as soon as someone steps in I simply walk away to collect my ridiculous, angry, stressed out self.  When it's been a long day I don't hesitate to tell my husband that I'm out... I need to walk away for a while.  Sometimes it's just to sleep, sometimes it's to cry and sometimes it's just to put some earbuds in a drown out the noise.

I don't hesitate almost every single day to put her in the playpen and turn on my workout.  It's taken sooooooo long to make it a normal routine for us.  No matter what the mood is going on the workout adjusts it for both of us.  It totally chills me out and her.  If  I'm slacking she'll pull me over to the playpen and grunt at me... she keeps me accountable, she reminds me multiple times per day why I chose to change my life and get healthy.  I have to be able to keep up to her... I practice gratitude daily and work on being a positive person.  With a life like ours it would be super easy to get sucked into the deepest depression... I did, been there done that... I have the badge.  I was on meds for it and was borderline morbidly obese from trying to eat the things that were overwhelming me..  now I workout, eat (mostly) healthy and give my trials and frustrations a voice... I don't try to hide them because people won't understand anymore... I speak them out loud and release them into the universe so they no longer have power over me... I am a constant work in progress.

I also don't hesitate to own the fact that my sweet, loving, one of a kind, medical miracle child is an asshole 75% of the time... hahaha... a.k.a... the sasshole.. the more she learns, the more progress we make the bossier she gets.  She thrives on routines and I know this... yet life happens and heaven forbid I mess up the routine... hell hath no fury like a pissed off sasshole... imagine living your life with the never ending three-nager... now let me say welcome to my world.  We have some really great moments, every single day, and some really hard ones... every single day. 

I'm going to be putting it all here... fitness, health, mental health, marriage, life and all the Sasshole shenanigans you can possible handle, and of course.... little pink shoes...