We get all this news on what's happening with Madilyn and we try to wrap our heads around it the best we can, but that isn't always easy. At times, it isn't always possible. I try desperately to stay positive and not to dwell too much on the dreaded "what ifs", but every once in a while it sneaks in and takes hold. Now is one of those times.
We knew full well going into this that we were living on borrowed time with Madilyn and one day she won't be with us. We knew this... doesn't help. The thought of not having her around scares the hell out of me. We've watched her grow when we were told she wouldn't. We watched her learn when we were told she couldn't. She proved them all wrong and beat the odds. I need her to defy those odds again. One. More. Time.
I see the toll all of this takes on Kathy. The sleepless nights, the balls to the walls days. That woman is a saint. She is by far the strongest woman I know. I do know, however, that strong doesn't last forever. You can go full throttle or you can go for longevity... not both. At least not for long. "Slow and steady wins the race" doesn't seem reachable. She's tired. She hurts. She cries. Yet she gets up every single day and does it again and she perseveres. I worry about the breaking point... for both of them. When is it all too much? They both amaze me every single day. I'm not sure if this is someone's way of telling her she needed work on her patience or not, but she has honed that skill to a fine edge. Her mommy gut has been spot on even when the specialist thought she was cracked. Her mission has been very clear. She pressed the issues when the doctors wouldn't listen to the point that we thought they would call CPS or the authorities on her. Thankfully they listened to her before it came to that.
I'm not really sure where I was going with this, so it kinda rambled. Sorry about that... I do know that I love that little girl more than I every thought humanly possible. We always hear, "Oh... she is so lucky to have you both in her life", when in reality, we are the lucky ones. We have learned more from her than she will ever know. She has taught us to appreciate the things we all too often take for granted. When it's good, it's a good like no other. The giggles, squeals, and squeezes. Oh, the squeezes! Man, I love the squeezes. On the flip side of that, when it goes downhill, it goes quickly. It's all one big rollercoaster ride. So we hang on through the twists and turns and highs and lows and go where it takes us.
If you've read this far, thank you. Thank you for listening. I don't own any pink fucking shoes, but I will. That's a promise. I'm thinking that's my next tattoo... If you have pink shoes, wear them once in a while and smile... because you know it's all about them.
