Who knew a room could illicit so much emotion... the last year has come with so much emotion, depression, guilt, shame, change, happiness and most of all growth. I am currently sitting in this office typing away after letting my thoughts run wild in the quiet for a while. This f'n office... I have teased the youngest bio child forever that when she finally moved out her room was going to be an office... all the endless months of her stuff being in it but she was out and about building her life. Well her stuff is out and the office is in and it brought a lot to the surface.......
The hopefully final stages of the grief of the life we were supposed to have as empty nesters... because with the Sasshole, we obviously are not empty nesters. It took me a long time battling the feelings on my own and then in therapy to realize it's okay to grieve the life I so desperately wanted. We spent years talking about all the things we would do when the last child moved out... and now with just one here it's harder than when we had the first 6. I always said that when I had baby number 3 all rhyme and reason went out the window... well Madilyn has proven that I truly didn't know what that even meant.
The playpen... the one place I can confine her to attempt to shower or do anything reasonable by myself for 5 minutes and know that she's safe.... is no longer safe. Today she decided to get my attention in the two minutes I had her in there by throwing stuff around the kitchen.. the playpen is in the play area in the living room... I'm not sure how she did it but she definitely climbed out of the damn thing! I was greeted by her bleeding chin (just a scratch), yelling and objects flying.... she wanted to make sure I knew how she felt.... trust me when I say I heard her loud and clear...
I had my own health issue this past year that really threw me into a bought of depression and shame.... I firmly believe that in order for something to lose it's hold over you it needs to be given life...whether you speak it silently into the wind, write it down and burn it or scream it loudly for the entire world to hear.. just give it life so it loses it's power over you... so here goes... I have latent TB. Not active, I am no risk to anyone, not even myself. We discovered it when I had a super weird reaction to a TB test for my volunteer position last year. It's been a nightmare ever since... with all the Covid crap going on the local health department desk jockey decided to dictate my life against the advice of my infectious disease specialist. Two out of three numbers on the blood test were well within normal and one number was positive by .2. Not hundreds, thousands or even one.... .2......... my infectious disease doctor said that all that test told him was that my immune system works beautifully... I had been exposed to TB at some point and my body fought it just like it's supposed to and won. He said he would never treat for a .2....... he did his thing with the health department and never heard another peep from anyone until 6 months later. The doctors office called, the health department passed the buck onto them for forced treatment. It went against everything my specialist believes was best for me and my own wishes. There was underhanded shitty threats that if I didn't treat and Ordinance 3 passed that they would remove me from my home (or remove Madilyn) because someone with zero knowledge of my actual health or life would've legally had the right to do that. Thankfully it didn't pass but I was half way through treatment by then and not allowed to stop. I ended up so sick from the treatment.... I had a rare autoimmune type flair from it. So much pain in my body it was insane. I've been done with treatment for 2 months and still have residual side effects from it that may never go away, and now I have a cute little sheet of paper that says I took my meds like a good girl BUT... that same sheet of paper lists all of the same symptoms to watch for as before treatment.... so why? They won't answer that question...
I'm not sure why that diagnosis instigated such shame in me but it did... I think because I grew up believing that people with TB were meant to be feared... it's such a taboo diagnosis... I went a few rounds with the health department because they kept bringing up "because of Covid".... ugh... Did you know that the year before Covid 10 million people were diagnosed with TB and 1.5 million people died from it? Yep, me neither..... no national news there... but Covid....
My infectious disease specialist made a statement in the midst of all of this that really resonated with me... he said "Americans over test, over diagnose, over treat and heavily over medicate rather than teaching people how to live a healthy life".......... I've personally experienced this soooo many times in my life.. It shouldn't even be a thing.. truly.. eat the salad, go for a walk and drink water....
My quiet time for today just came to an abrupt halt... I have a tiny dictator with her eyes barely open, yelling at me to go outside... so outside we go.... Peace, love and f'n pink shoes...
