Real talk

It's nap time again and I'm taking full advantage of the amount of silence.. I've done my daily gratitude practice, workout, food journal and podcast.. now I'm enjoying my therapy light while the house is quiet.  All of these things are the pieces that keep me centered when I'm really feeling like I'm about to lose my shit.

I remember my dad telling me when I was around 19 (ish) "you are the most negative person I've ever met.. is anything ever right in your life?"  That stung but it was oh so true... it set me on a path that I didn't even realize I was on for quite a while.. but I was still on it.  A path to be a more positive person.  To live a happier life and to leave the negativity behind.  Some days with our crazy chaotic life it's super hard not to get trapped in the negative aspects.

I practice gratitude daily.. I also ALWAYS go to bed thinking about something positive that happened during the day or something I am looking forward to the next day.  It affects my sleep if I don't.. if you don't leave the worries of the day behind they'll haunt your dreams.  When I was early on in the practice of gratitude I remember hearing that it's impossible to be angry, mad, sad etc when feeling gratitude and I thought "who's the f'n idiot that came up with that?"  BUT... it's true.. yes, I have more than my fair share of moments of those other feelings but one simple little thought adjustment and it's all the gratitude...  for example this morning when the Sasshole was throwing the little Christmas tree all over the place.. I was like wtf... then I realized I'm so thankful it's that stupid tree and not my lamps.  That damn tree can stay in my living room all year round and we'll make decorations appropriate for each coming holiday or season if it means she'll leave my lamps alone.. win..win...

I'm thankful for the GIANT ass playpen purchased off of Amazon so I can get my workouts done and occasionally pee without a little person dictating what I am supposed to be doing in that moment.  I am thankful for my therapy light and vitamin D3 supplements when there is no sunshine.  I am thankful for my husband, daughter, Favre and Jenny for all the help with the Sasshole because without them I would be even crazier than I already am... I am thankful for the relationship I have with my adult children.. they are amazing people and I'm so blessed to be their momma... I am thankful for date nights because they are vital to keeping our marriage healthy and alive and I'm thankful that I have a husband that I can pour my heart out to even when it makes me feel like a monster and he still loves me and doesn't judge... I'm thankful that he randomly scrubs the toilet or does the dishes and I don't have to ask.  I'm thankful for a hot cup of coffee every single morning and for going to sleep with my head on my husband's shoulder listening to his heartbeat every single night...

Do you see what I'm getting at?  There are a million things in this world that every single one of us has going on that is negative and exhausting but dwelling on them doesn't change a single thing other than letting it entirely consume us.  Start small... I always tell people "no matter how bad things are there's always something good in every single day.. pick one little thing and focus on it.. hang on for dear life if necessary"...

From the time the Sasshole first came into this world I couldn't wait to buy her little pink shoes.. she was about 18 months old before she finally could wear a size 1 because she was soooooo small.. I still have those little pink shoes packed away.. no matter what goes on in our life it always comes down to the little pink shoes so when my hubby and I were shopping the other day for the damn tree and shatterproof ornaments for the Sasshole it made my day when he found the perfect ornament that will never be packed away... it was always be in sight.. a constant reminder that no matter how things are going at the end of the day it's all about the pink fucking shoes...

Me

It's nap-time right now and I just realized that when I heard and saw her wiggling on the video monitor I physically held my breath hoping she wouldn't wake up yet...hahaha!  I'm sure every mom has done that at some point in time.  When my typical kiddos were little I NEVER kept anything quiet while they slept.  I'd clean, vacuum, crank the stereo... when Madilyn naps everything is on shutdown...but not for the reasons you may suspect.  She can sleep through noise and normal stuff going on but I crave silence.  When she's awake it's nonstop noise.. chattering, giggling, yelling... and I just need silence sometimes.  I used to use nap time to get all the stuff done and I'd never accomplish everything I wanted to and realized that I was driving myself nuts, plus I never got any downtime.

Now, nap-time is my time.  Monday through Friday when the Sasshole goes down it's my time to do whatever I am feeling that day.  Sometimes I clean, sometimes I read or listen to motivational podcasts, sometimes I do responsible things and other times I take a fucking nap.  It's all about what I need in that moment.  Sometimes the moment last 10 minutes and some days it's 3 hours... it's never the same and there's no way to tell in advance how it will go.  Regardless of how long it is, it's mine and my mental health depends on it.

I used to feel guilty for it... but not anymore... because I matter, my mental health matters...

 

My funk has a name....

I've been in a funk for months... not being able to put a finger on exactly what it is... is it sleep deprivation?  Is it depression rearing it's ugly head? what is it?  It finally has a name.. My husband and I were having a conversation Saturday night and it came out... all the things that were stuck in my head that I didn't want to give a voice to.  I didn't want to give the thoughts a voice because then they become reality.  But Saturday night it just flowed... we had the best date day.. nothing special, just quiet and easy.. no rushing, no chaos.. great conversation... and out it flowed... with no fear of judgement, no fear of how awful it sounded... just relief.... I gave a voice to ALL of the feelings, good and bad, and it just clicked... I am experiencing grief... I said it... I am grieving..

When we got together and combined our families it was rough.. 6 kids from 17-4 is a lot to deal with and a lot of opinions, needs and wants.  Add in the exes and it was quite honestly hell a lot of the time and we got through it by always focusing on our dream of traveling when the youngest graduated and moved out.  Well, she's graduated and has her plan rolling to move out... we should be planning what country is the first we are going to explore while my husband teaches abroad.  A different country every year or two was the plan.  We were going to see the world.  Instead we bought a house in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. 

We were supposed to buy a house last year and I couldn't do it... the anxiety and stress it caused me was overwhelming.  I kept blaming it on the big number involved in a home purchase here but that was just an excuse.  I had a dream last year, the kind of dream that is so real you just can't shake the feeling it leaves you with.  In my dream we were moving into our beautiful new home and I was so angry and sad because we were moving into a home that I hated, a home that we bought for a child that we no longer had and it terrified me.  I honestly don't know what terrified me more.. that Madilyn was no longer with us or that we were living in a home that was a constant reminder.  It left me devastated and pretty much unable to breathe, and the home search was put off another year because of it.

This year we bought the house... and it's beautiful and I absolutely love it... I couldn't figure out why I have been struggling so much.. and Saturday night in that safe moment it just flowed...I had no control over the words no matter how horrible they sounded... I would not trade Madilyn for the world.. I love her more than anyone could ever understand and at the very same time it's sooooo hard because every dream I (we) have ever had is gone.... and up until this point we have never acknowledged that.

When we got custody of Madilyn over 7 years ago we had an emergency GI appointment because she was so sick.. her doctor looked at us and said "you are doing everything you can and IF she is still alive in 3 months call and schedule another appointment but I'm sorry.. I don't think I'll see you again".... we didn't share that with anyone for years... We spent at least 6 of those years constantly being reminded at damn near every appointment that they don't know how she's alive much less how long she will live.  They don't understand how her body even functions because her genetic abnormalities are not compatible with life.... yet here she is.  We live our life with her focusing on the moment because we never knew (or know) if we would/will get another one.  We are so sleep deprived it's ridiculous and there's no signs of that ever changing... yet when we have the occasional random night that she does sleep you wake up in a panic wondering if she's even alive or if today will be the day that we try not to ever think about.  It's a double edged sword and it's devastating and sometimes debilitating.

I honestly don't know what scares me more... the thought of her not being here or the thought of living this way for an indefinite amount of years.... I don't expect people to understand that statement at all... if you don't live a life like ours you would never begin to fathom what our life is like.  Yes, we give you glimpses of it via facebook or this blog BUT we get to control what glimpses you get... we control what you see and what you know.  I have some very conflicting superstitions about the way certain things get said and about giving our thoughts a voice... I am a firm believer that if you give your fears a voice and release them to the wind they no longer have control over you... and at the same time I had a friends mom once tell me when I said "I love her to death" (years prior to Madilyn)... "from your lips to God's ears... be careful what you say... I quite honestly don't even know if I believe in God but that statement has stuck with me for 15 years... and it bothers me.. so I'm cautious about how I say things...  it made me terrified to give my feelings a voice.... but at the same time I feel I have to in order to move forward....

Moving forward in our home means learning to do things we've never been able to... like disciplining the Sasshole... the health ramifications of causing her stress in the past have always dictated that basically she get her way for miles of medical repercussions that I really don't feel like explaining... but we are in an okay spot that we have to delve into the timeout world and hope for the best....  can you imaging living with the never ending three-nager without the possibility of time out?  It's like we're stuck in a super horrific episode of Ground Hog's Day..... so away we go... hoping for the best...

Hoping for the best... praying to a God I'm not sure I believe in..... and contemplating buying myself some pink fucking shoes......... because when it comes to the Sasshole life is all about the little pink shoes...