the struggle is real.....

She's currently in the living room having a holy hell fit and throwing stuff.... all because I turned the TV off in the living room and turned the radio on.  She doesn't care that Mickey Mouse is on the TV in her playroom...she wants both, all the time.  This is typically when she'd be scratching, pinching and throwing stuff at me because it would get her her way so she would stop.  Instead that baby gates have been dusted off and installed and I'm sitting at my dining room table watching, video recording the fit on my phone, drinking coffee and eating sugar free cherry jello.. haha... mom for the win!!

With Madilyn feeling so much better now (most of the time) we have fully acknowledged and realized that we have created an absolute beast (that's being polite).  We have spent so much time giving her whatever she wanted because either she was never supposed to be able to do it to start with or it was the only way to get her to stop some other behavior......  well, now we have the long journey of fixing it.  I tend to post the funny stuff on Facebook or the progress but not the tantrums.  Her tantrums (the full blown ones are relatively new) are of epic proportion.  Add to it the fact that she's like me and loves to throw stuff when she's really mad and it's not pretty.  Hence, I am hiding in the dining room.

Last night when it got to be too much I gated myself in her playroom, put my headphones on and turned them up all the way and did week 2 day 2 of my running app.  Nothing like watching books fly into the room because she can't get in, it was hubby's turn to hide in the dining room.  Thankfully her tantrums don't last overly long (she's currently playing with stacking cups in the playroom) once she realizes she's not getting her way.

Week 2 day 2 was horrible...hahaha... I thought my lungs may explode because I had to run 2 minutes at a time plus the damned 15 second sprints... I keep waiting for my legs to give out or my lungs to burst.. in the end, I will confess, I felt a million times better... totally worth it.  I also do 3 30 second planks after running and when the hubby is home I get him to do it with me.  Let me tell you the change in running kinda made me want to puke while planking.  I'll take that as a sign that I worked as hard as it felt like I did.

I was super nervous giving up sugar since I LOVE LOVE LOVE goodies... cookies, cheesecake and diet coke..yum! Night before last I discovered a treat that I am newly obsessed with though.. sugar free cherry jello... I was actually scared to try sugar free anything.  I simply assumed that it would taste like garbage.. boy was I wrong.  Before you try it you should know that if you don't like luden's cough drops, don't waste your time... I could eat luden's cherry cough drops like candy and the sugar free cherry jello tastes just like them! I'm obsessed!

And on a side note I've discovered it's kiwi water for the win!

oh my fruit water

Let's talk cucumber...I love cucumber...cucumber water...not so much.  Kudos to the person that likes it cause that shit is nasty!  I drank it though, all 96 ounces on day 1 (Feb 2nd) because it's supposed to be a good detox drink.  I did pee a bunch but was it really because of the cucs or just the water?  Hahaha... I'm feeling the same way about the orange water right now that is being stared at and not consumed.  The kiwi strawberry in between was good.  I switched to fruit infused water because I gave up sugar and plain water is boring.  Now as I'm reading labels I seriously question how far do you really need to take it?  My favorite crystal light says it contains zero sugar but ingredient #3 is corn syrup solids.... hmmm... wtf is corn syrup solids?  I'm not really sure I want to know the answer to that and hence I'm still staring at the orange water trying to figure out if I can make it taste any better quickly...without adding sugar or stevia...

I should just do what I did yesterday and hop my very tired ass onto the treadmill. I completed week 2 day 1 of a running to lose (couch to 5k) app yesterday.  Let me tell you, I have an extreme, immense borderline love/hate relationship with the trainer who came up with that shit.  Running for 90 seconds doesn't sound like much but when you're 200 lbs and semi-old it's hell....I have to have my music going just to keep me moving and right around the time I think my legs are going to give out uptown funk or bad romance comes on and I think I can do this....and I can sing and dance while doing it....hahahahaha!  If you ever see me out and about with broken glasses, a broken nose, teeth missing and a fat lip we'll all know how that turned out.  I seriously believe I could make one of those "how you think you look....how you actually look" memes when I'm in that moment.  I've also had some serious visions when I'm goofing off while attempting to run of things going bad and me totally eating shit.  It's not pretty in my head and I don't even want to really imagine the pain that would come along with it.

The no white flour is actually going fine even though I am so used to eating pasta by the bucket.  Lots of protein and lots of veggies.  I've been eating fruit also.  I also had baked sweet potatoes one night.  They are yummy and I kick myself for snubbing Tina's mashed sweet potatoes for the last 10 years or so...sorry Tina next time I'll try something before being snobby about it.  Just think... if sweet potatoes were never turned into deep fried french fries I never would've tried them...and I seriously wonder sometimes how I got this fat??

Hello...it's me

For those of you that don't know me let me introduce myself.. I'm a 45 year old mother of 7.. (3 bio, 3 step and 1 beautiful special needs bonus child (bio granddaughter but mine by heart and guardianship)... I'm going to be 46 this year and I'm still struggling to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  I'm happily married (10 years this August) and my youngest bio daughter (15) is still at home with us as is Madilyn.  Madilyn's 5 and chronically ill... she's a medically complex, one of a kind ball of sass.  So much sass that she has her own blog...  Shyanne, my 15 year old is beautiful and a teenager (need I really say more?).. we're actually really lucky because she's a good kid and I'm sure I'll be sharing stories about her (much to her dismay)... Thomas is my 20 year old son, my angel boy between my two hellion girls.  He lives and works in another state and makes this momma very proud.  My oldest daughter lives in another state also and is married with two beautiful little girls (she's also Madilyn's birth mom).. I love her with all of my heart but our relationship is strained at best... we'll leave it at that for now....  both of my stepdaughters are busy raising families and my stepson is 19 and learning to navigate adulthood... and my hubby, my wonderful, tolerant, understanding hubby is an elementary school teacher and a musician.  He absolutely (usually) brings out the best in me (and sometimes the crazy if we're being honest) and I would be completely lost without him.. it took me a really long time and more than a few mistakes but I finally got it right with him and for that I am very thankful.  So honey, remember how much I love you when I bitch about you or something that hasn't been done  😙.

I am a self proclaimed control freak and a constant work in progress.  I'm a mommy and wife most importantly, an accountant by degree, and a waitress by choice, and a smart ass by birthright, thanks dad.  I don't do well with sitting still and being a medical momma gets lonely so being a waitress gives me my social fix and income at the same time, plus I get to meet new people.  We moved to a new state this past summer to be closer to Madilyn's doctor's and to say it's been difficult to get out and meet people is an understatement.  We are finally on the last stretch to getting respite care so this mommy may get to have some adult evenings out and the life of the party that's been dormant for the past five years may get to show her fun face again...(here's hoping anyway).  It's been 3 years since I've had a date night with the hubby...it's time...

I'm sure at some point in my writing journey I'm going to offend someone, I always do.  I try to convince myself sometimes that I have learned some tact as I've gotten older but in all honesty, no, it's just not there.  I often say stuff and then go "oh shit, I did it again", I just did it last night at work.  I will give myself kudos for being smart enough to sometimes catch it and apologize for the way something comes out of my mouth.  I tell it like it is, sorry (not really) if that hurts your feelings but this isn't about you.  I will make fat jokes and references and I'm not shaming anyone or pointing fingers, I'm simply talking about myself.  Profanity... I fucking love it... anyone who knows me knows that "are you fucking kidding me?" comes out of my mouth a million times per day and this is about me so I'm sure it'll come out in my writing too.  It's okay, I'm an adult and I give myself permission to use the word fuck, even on the internet.

I won't discuss/debate politics or religion, I will offend you at some point but hopefully it'll be entertaining for all of us.  I recently started the journey of cutting white flour and sugar out of my diet.  My doctor says I live a very stressful life and I have zero metabolism plus I tend to love food so I over indulge and the size of my ass proves it so I've started a journey to exercise regularly and cut out some of the bad stuff.  You guys will be hearing plenty about it and if I feel really brave at some point I'll even post the horrific pictures I took of myself on day 1.  They're beyond words... 4 years ago I was 41 and wearing a bikini and now I have 40 plus pounds to lose.  The belly button ring I still wear is currently lost in a roll of fat but I'm hopeful I will see it again someday.

Enough now, intro is over and I am off to put the little girl in her stroller and go for a walk.  The sun is shining and it's almost 40 degrees outside.  Until next time.....