Choices

It's bright and early Monday morning and I'm laying here thinking and drinking coffee.
This is a lifestyle, not a diet or a fad.
It's not a moment in time and it's not about being perfect all of the time.
It's about being able to do the things I want to do without feeling like shit all of the time.
It's about my knees and my back not hurting and having the energy to keep up with the Sasshole and all that life with her entails.
It's about not wanting to explode over the top of my jeans and about feeling good in a swimsuit.
It's about taking the time to put my mental and physical health FIRST!
It's about learning to make better choices.
It's about learning what fuels my body and what doesn't.
It's about wading through your own bullshit and excuses to get to where you want to be.

It's about choosing to deal with the feeling no matter how hard.

It's about choosing what's going to fuel my body rather than what's going to taste good in the moment.

It's about choosing to move my body daily.

It's about choosing to eat the fucking salad.

It's about choosing to drink the fucking water.

Anyone who knows me knows that my first choice to avoid feelings was alcohol.  I kept all the things locked inside and I drank instead.  I was the life of the party.  I was also so emotionally broken I didn't know what else to do.  Dealing with the actual feelings was "too hard" so I drank instead.  When the time came around that I couldn't use the alcohol to make me feel better I turned to food.

I would literally eat until I was so stuffed I thought I would vomit if I had to burp.  I couldn't have sex with my husband because I was so stuffed I would puke.  I loved my husband and children beyond measure but hated my life so much I didn't even know what to do with it... so I ate.

I think I'm so obsessed with My 600 lb Life because that's the path I was on.  I was watching it the other night and Dr. Now was talking to a patient that blamed everything on food addiction, they claimed to have no control (I've been there) and he said "Food addiction is just like any other addiction, it's a choice.. it may get out of control but ultimately it's a choice and now you can choose to accept responsibility and walk the hard path of getting healthy or you can choose to die".

I'm a firm believer in that every single thing you do from the moment you wake up in the morning is a choice.  You can blame whatever you want, have any excuse you want, but it's a choice.  

You can choose to spend your life being a victim and crying oh poor me or you can step up and do the work and feel the super hard feelings and be a survivor... a warrior.  Life is not easy for anyone.. we all have baggage..

I have lived through rape, domestic violence, verbal abuse, depression, anxiety, physically debilitating illness.... I have also survived, sought counseling and learned to deal with the really hard things rather than eating or drinking them.  

I am not perfect by any measure.  I have learned to love my flaws... I look in the mirror every day and say something positive about myself rather than beating myself up and letting my inner mean girl out.  

We all go through different seasons in life.. sometimes it's great, other times it's good and sometimes it just sucks... I'm in a season of suck right now.. I started going back down the wrong path with some food choices and lack of consistency with working out... I feel it.  I feel like crap, I'm more tired than normal, my back hurts.... and so does my heart.  I'm scared of the path we are going down with Madilyn... but neglecting myself won't help that in any way..

I woke up this morning and this blog started as a post to my Fitfam girls to get them motivated and as it kept growing I realized it was just something that I needed to share for everyone to see... some things just need to be given life.  

I want you to know that you are worth it.

The impossible can be done.

You are beautiful.

Your life can be amazing.

You can do hard things.

You can overcome.

You can be happy.

You are worth loving.

You are a survivor.

You are a warrior.

Most importantly.... You are not alone.

Now pick yourself up and go buy some pink fucking shoes and move your ass!