here we go again...

Did you ever see a picture of yourself and think good grief I'm sick of my own shit?  This is a really cute picture of me and my husband from the other night at a concert.  We had soooooo much fun with our friends and I love this picture of us... but I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that when I looked at it after my friend took it my first thoughts were... 1.. soooo cute... 2... good grief girl do some fucking situps...

I've been down this path a few times in my adult life.. I'm just thankful this time it only hit 30 lbs gained and not the unintentional 50.... life happens and I've used 8 million different excuses over the past 2 years and just slowly kept slipping.. kept telling myself I'll start tomorrow.... I finally broke down last fall and did a round of therapy and am working on my mental health daily.  Life with the Sasshole makes it a constant ongoing battle.  I've finally started doing the really hard work of dancing with my demons... now I need to dance with them and leave the food bandaid out of the equation.  That's always been a struggle for me... I've always been an all or nothing type of girl (thanks dad...lol) and now I'm trying to learn something a little more livable.

My ability to work out is still there, I'm not in pain, my stamina is good.... here's the thing though... you can't out exercise a bad diet... especially if the exercise isn't consistent... I am guilty of both... I've got a lot of "beliefs" that totally aren't serving me and they aren't anything I relate to... it's the things that other people have told me my whole life, things that they believe are true.... that I am learning to let go of... because it isn't me and it's not what I believe.

I laugh when I hear the phrase "mid life crisis" because that's where I am with the big 50 rapidly approaching.. but here's the thing.. there's no crisis... it's a "coming into your own".. it's when you stop living life the way everyone else thinks you should and you actually start living it for yourself because you've finally acknowledged that you've only got one life and you immensely dislike how you've been living it.  I don't "dislike" how I've been living mine... I just let some people rent to much time and space in my head and it's time to bid them a bon voyage.  

So here goes... can you picture it?  Me, having a farewell dance with my demons in my pink fucking shoes...